March A.D. 1996
Veritas News Service – Controversial populist presidential candidate Iesu Nazarenus was accused of spewing hate today when he called a group of rabbis a “brood of vipers,” “whited sepulchers,” “hypocrites,” “blind fools,” “blind guides,” etc.
Nazarenus has also been linked to right-wing militia leaders when it was reported that a physician who would identify himself only as Luke overheard him advising one of his supporters who was without a sword to “sell your tunic and buy one.” He is also related to the religious extremist of the desert who goes by the name of John. John apparently has very low self-esteem, telling some of his listeners that he is not worthy to loosen Nazarenus' sandal strap and that he must decrease and Nazarenus increase.
Since his appearance Nazarenus has sown division wherever he goes. In one place he actually told some of his followers, “I have come to bring a sword, not peace,” and he is quoted by informed sources as saying that “brother will hand over brother to death, and the father his child; children will rise up against their parents and put them to death” because of him or his ideology. Environmentalists are outraged at his killing a fig tree, and his supporters', mostly uneducated blue collar workers, fishing without a license. He also reportedly said to some of his more fanatical followers that he had “come to cast fire upon the earth.”
ATF officials are investigating reports that he made wine some time back, at the request of his mother apparently, during a wedding reception without paying any tax thereon.
In another investigation, FDA officials have received reports that he used unapproved methods to cure blindness. Eye-witnesses (no pun intended) said that he took spit and mud and spread it on the eyes of some homeless person supposedly born blind thereby effecting a cure. If proven he could be prosecuted for using unapproved quack remedies.
Nazarenus appears to be no friend of working people either. Informed sources report that he sided with a vineyard owner who paid his workers the same amount, even though some worked only one hour while others worked the whole day. This is a blatant case of equal pay for vastly unequal work.
Animal rights activists oppose him vehemently because of his statements that “you (his followers) are of more value than many sparrows” which they see as a dangerous kind of speciesism. Also his apparent indifference to fishing and animal sacrifice have outraged many. Nazarenus has also been accused of nativisim and anti-gentile bias because of his admonition, “Do not go in the direction of the Gentiles, nor enter the towns of the Samaritans” when sending out his provocateurs. He even referred to a Gentile woman (a Syrophoenician) as a dog, telling her when she requested his assistance, “It is not fair to take the children's bread and to cast it to the dogs.”
His running mate for the vice-presidency, Paul T. Arsus, is widely known as a homophobic hate monger. In a speech at Corinth he told those present, “Do not err, neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, not the effeminate, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor the evil tongued, nor the greedy will possess the kingdom of God.”
Pundits have said that the pair has virtually no chance of being elected, but if they were, they would have to tone down their rhetoric and move toward the middle to govern.
Even Pontius Robertson of the Jellyfish Coalition has distanced himself from the pair, supporting instead Boob “Windsock” Dole. Robertson and his spokesperson Caiphas Reed decided to support Dole when it appeared to them that Nazarenus and Arsus were not team players who could work with the Democrats to help support the family and return the country to its moral foundation.
Republican front-runner Boob Dole has called them extreme, and President Clinton has advocated the forming of a new agency to be called the Bureau of Free Speech, to monitor and regulate certain types of speech that spread fear, intolerance, homophobia, sexism, speciesism, sightism, adultism, lookism, racism, nativism and all types of unapproved thought and speech.
Some of the more conservative religions have actually agreed with this extreme rhetoric but have admitted that anyone espousing their views would be unelectable.
This was originally written in 1996 as a satire on the conduct of people like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed.