Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Confessions Of An Inept Murderer

I was hired recently by a criminal organization to kill a man that has been a nuisance to it for many years.
It was widely believed that my target had been dead for quite a few years since he was known to be in poor health and in need of dialysis treatment Nevertheless, I took the job since I needed the money and the guy had supposedly been located in a hideaway he had constructed.

In order to make good my claim that I had in fact killed the designated victim, I rigged up a video transmitting arrangement so that my client could see in real time that I had accomplished the mission. Everything was going along swimmingly as I approached the target, but dang it, wouldn't you know that just as I closed in for the kill, something went wrong with the video and they didn't get to see the hit.

I went in and found the target unarmed and shot him in the head. While I was there I loaded up several van loads of booty - computers, videos, memory sticks, records of all sorts - which took me several minutes to accomplish. I also loaded up the body, took a few pictures and hightailed it out of there.

As I was fleeing the scene, it occurred to me that the decedent was a strict Albigensian and I needed to bury him in accordance with Albigensian practices so I flew out over the ocean and dumped his body in the sea, but not before harvesting some DNA as proof that I had actually pulled off the hit.

When I went to collect my money, the customer wanted proof that I had actually succeeded in locating and killing the victim. I told them that I had DNA that matched his sister, but they claimed that I could have gotten the DNA from him without killing him or that he might have been dead for a long time and been in cold storage - they wanted proof, not evidence, that I had a claim on the money.

I told them that I had pictures of the dead man, but that they were too gruesome to show them and that I was not going to spike the football. They asked why I didn't bring them the body since I had removed it from the crime scene, but I explained my commitment to honoring the victim's religion. They told me that one of his hands or his head would have been sufficient, but I would not have lowered myself to such depths.

Happily, a few days later a message posted by the decedent's organization appeared on a website confirming his death and threatening revenge for the killing. I thought that surely they would see this as conclusive proof of my success and pay me what I was owed. I went back to the client in triumph and pointed out the web posting confirming the death, but they still refused; claiming that I could have concocted the thing myself.

I pointed out that three U.S. Senators said they had seen the pictures and the guy was dead. Being the obstinate people that they are, they said that the pictures turned out to be fakes and that I might have posted them through a "leak" to see if the fraud could be detected before releasing "my" pictures. This was such a preposterous charge that I wouldn't even dignify it with a response. I sensed that they were just trying to get me to show them the "real" pictures and I'm not going to stoop to that. What if they got posted on the internet? The risk was just too great.

I fear I'm going to have to sue to get my money because they keep nit-picking about my not having the body.
It seems that nobody wants to do business honestly anymore.

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