March A.D.
1996
Veritas
News Service – Controversial populist presidential candidate
Iesu Nazarenus was accused of spewing hate today when he called a
group of rabbis a “brood of vipers,” “whited sepulchers,”
“hypocrites,” “blind fools,” “blind guides,” etc.
Nazarenus
has also been linked to right-wing militia leaders when it was
reported that a physician who would identify himself only as Luke
overheard him advising one of his supporters who was without a sword
to “sell your tunic and buy one.” He is also related to the
religious extremist of the desert who goes by the name of John. John
apparently has very low self-esteem, telling some of his listeners
that he is not worthy to loosen Nazarenus' sandal strap and that he
must decrease and Nazarenus increase.
Since
his appearance Nazarenus has sown division wherever he goes. In one
place he actually told some of his followers, “I have come to bring
a sword, not peace,” and he is quoted by informed sources as saying
that “brother will hand over brother to death, and the father his
child; children will rise up against their parents and put them to
death” because of him or his ideology. Environmentalists are
outraged at his killing a fig tree, and his supporters', mostly
uneducated blue collar workers, fishing without a license. He also
reportedly said to some of his more fanatical followers that he had
“come to cast fire upon the earth.”
ATF
officials are investigating reports that he made wine some time back,
at the request of his mother apparently, during a wedding reception
without paying any tax thereon.
In
another investigation, FDA officials have received reports that he
used unapproved methods to cure blindness. Eye-witnesses (no pun
intended) said that he took spit and mud and spread it on the eyes of
some homeless person supposedly born blind thereby effecting a cure.
If proven he could be prosecuted for using unapproved quack remedies.
Nazarenus
appears to be no friend of working people either. Informed sources
report that he sided with a vineyard owner who paid his workers the
same amount, even though some worked only one hour while others
worked the whole day. This is a blatant case of equal pay for vastly
unequal work.
Animal
rights activists oppose him vehemently because of his statements that
“you (his followers) are of more value than many sparrows” which
they see as a dangerous kind of speciesism. Also his apparent
indifference to fishing and animal sacrifice have outraged many.
Nazarenus has also been accused of nativisim and anti-gentile bias
because of his admonition, “Do not go in the direction of the
Gentiles, nor enter the towns of the Samaritans” when sending out
his provocateurs. He even referred to a Gentile woman (a
Syrophoenician) as a dog, telling her when she requested his
assistance, “It is not fair to take the children's bread and to
cast it to the dogs.”
His
running mate for the vice-presidency, Paul T. Arsus, is widely known
as a homophobic hate monger. In a speech at Corinth he told those
present, “Do not err, neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor
adulterers, not the effeminate, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor the
covetous, nor drunkards, nor the evil tongued, nor the greedy will
possess the kingdom of God.”
Pundits
have said that the pair has virtually no chance of being elected, but
if they were, they would have to tone down their rhetoric and move
toward the middle to govern.
Even
Pontius Robertson of the Jellyfish Coalition has distanced himself
from the pair, supporting instead Boob “Windsock” Dole. Robertson
and his spokesperson Caiphas Reed decided to support Dole when it
appeared to them that Nazarenus and Arsus were not team players who
could work with the Democrats to help support the family and return
the country to its moral foundation.
Republican
front-runner Boob Dole has called them extreme, and President Clinton
has advocated the forming of a new agency to be called the Bureau of
Free Speech, to monitor and regulate certain types of speech that
spread fear, intolerance, homophobia, sexism, speciesism, sightism,
adultism, lookism, racism, nativism and all types of unapproved
thought and speech.
Some
of the more conservative religions have actually agreed with this
extreme rhetoric but have admitted that anyone espousing their views
would be unelectable.
This was originally written in 1996 as a satire on the conduct of people like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed.